Torontonians desperate for white friends with cottages who also like seasoning on food
TORONTO – Summer is in full swing, and as is customary, multiple locals have set out to try and acquire the rarest of rare humans- a white friend with a cottage who also likes food to be ad…
Unvaccinated Americans swayed by chance to visit Thompson, Manitoba
THOMPSON, MB — The federal government announced today that Canada will be opening its borders to fully-vaccinated Americans starting August 9th. Across the border, Ottawa’s announcement has seemi…
Wealthy man enjoys bonding with barista over finally going back to work
TORONTO – Today in an inspirational display of pandemic solidarity, a local wealthy man spent several minutes bonding with the barista at a neighbour cafe about how weird it is to finally g…
Woman two minutes into her first maskless outing already told to smile
KINGSTON – Less than one hundred and twenty seconds after venturing out into public without a mask for the first time since the COVID-19 pandemic started, 28-year-old Maddie Herbert has alr…
Quiz: Is this scenario a plot point from The Handmaid’s Tale or something currently happening in Texas?
In current pandemic times when binge-watching is basically second nature, the line between what is television and what is reality is becoming increasingly fuzzy. For example: is the state of Texa…
Ford defends Ontarians’ constitutional right to infect their neighbours with Delta variant
QUEEN’S PARK – Premier Doug Ford firmly rejected the possibility of vaccine passports or forcing immunizations, citing Ontarians’ constitutional right to contract the deadly COVID-19 virus …
Local Satanist worried his church is only second most evil
BARRIE, ON – After reading about the latest controversy surrounding the Catholic church, devout Satanist Damien Winslow is conflicted on whether or not his faith is doing enough of the devi…
Ontario movie theatres reopen just in time for sweaty hand job season
SCARBOROUGH – Ontario is rejoicing as the province moves into stage three, seeing the return of indoor dining, casinos, and perhaps the most anticipated, movie theatres making a triumphant …
Mobile data in Canada is so expensive we can’t in good conscience ask you to read this article on your phone
OTTAWA – A new study analyzing the cost of cellphone plans and data worldwide has revealed that Canadians pay the highest mobility rates out of 44 countries- wait. Are you reading this on y…
