“Everyone in that locker room knows we can play better,” said Captain Marie-Philip Poulin, who mustered a miserable four assists. “Frankly, we were lucky we didn’t win by just eight or nine.”
Canada allowed a shameful 11 shots by Sweden, a couple of which looked mildly threatening. “The entire defence has to perform better,” said Jocelyne Larocque. “For us to allow our opponents to get as many shots as we score goals is an indictment of our lousy play tonight.”
The lucky Canadians will advance by the skin of their teeth to play either Switzerland, who they bested in the group stage with a pathetic 12-1 victory, or the Russian Olympic Committee, who they previously “defeated” 6-1.
Hockey analysts were aghast at the performance, expressing concern that the Canadian women had lost their touch. “If Canada can only scrape up 11 goals against a team ranked seventh in the world then I’m not convinced they have what it takes,” said CBC analyst Kenzie Lalonde. “The women’s side has never finished with less than a silver medal, but could we be facing the national embarrassment of a disgusting bronze medal?”
Players, however, pushed back against such concerns. “I know we can do better,” said forward Brianne Jenner, who only managed to score a single measly hat trick. “I have confidence in this team, and I’m confident that we will produce the crushingly obscene victories Canadians expect going forward.”
Elsewhere in the tournament, the United States was eliminated after only defeating the Czech Republic 4-1.