Winter Olympians issued heated condoms
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Coming clean: David Suzuki admits to thinking the Marineland jingle slaps
NIAGARA FALLS, ON – The world of environmental activism has been rocked by David Suzuki’s recent revelation: against his own morals, he loves the Marineland jingle as much as the rest of us…
Humiliating: Canadian women’s hockey team wins quarterfinals by a mere 11 goals
BEIJING – The Canadian women’s hockey team was embarrassed at the Winter Olympics after squeaking by Sweden in the quarterfinal with a meagre 11-0 victory. “Everyone in that locker room knows we…
Anti-vaccine convoys replace maple syrup as Canada’s number one export
OTTAWA – For the first time since Confederation, the top spot on the list of Canadian exports has shifted from the sweet syrup of the mighty maple tree to anti-vaccine, anti-government, pro…
Oil and gas companies team up to fight climate change by eliminating “Warmest Regards”
CALGARY – Several giants of the Canadian oil and gas industry announced this week that they have teamed up to fight climate change by banning all employees from signing off emails with the …
Ghost of Pierre Elliott Trudeau urges Justin to “say the line”
OTTAWA – As protestors continue to occupy Ottawa streets with trucks, the spectral form of ex-PM Pierre Elliott Trudeau has reportedly taken to urging his son Justin to invoke his infamous …
Ottawa Police announce new strategy for dealing with ‘Freedom Convoy’ protestors: Unconditional Surrender
OTTAWA – After their brief attempts to actually enforce the law with respect to the protestors occupying the nation’s capital did not immediately work, Ottawa Police are pivoting to a…
Curler’s boyfriend dreading being told to “hurry hard” in bed
GRIMSBY, ON ― 34-year-old Garret Larsen, boyfriend of local skip Eliza Dupont, has admitted that her tendency to compare their sex life to curling is starting to wear a little thin. “It was funny…
Feds announce new holiday for exhausted women: Emotional Labour Day
OTTAWA – Canadians celebrated their inaugural Emotional Labour Day this Tuesday, a holiday honouring the women who thanklessly drain their emotional resources for the sake of keeping the peace. A…
Report: Turtles delicious, come with [own] bowl
HALIFAX, NS – A shocking new report written by acclaimed naturalist, David Attenborough, and published by unlikelyrecipes.com suggests that not only are turtles delicious, but they convenie…
