Editorial: Where are all the White Fridays?
By: Jordan Peterson Imagine if you will, a sale of sorts, in which the hierarchical notion of sovereignty and power is given directly back to the consumer. This individual person of power, which …
Black Friday deal just last year’s price
MISSISSAUGA – Retailers are embracing this year’s Black Friday by offering consumers the deal of a lifetime, the chance to buy products at last year’s regular prices. Naomi Hoffman eagerly …
Millennials call for “youth” to be redefined as whatever age they currently are
OTTAWA – In a recent statement, the nation’s millennials have called for the definition of “youth” to be urgently changed to whatever age they are right now. “This is a crisis,” says Ashley…
Ethical soccer fan vows to watch entire World Cup while tsk-ing
TORONTO – Hardcore soccer fan Ethan Weir will be protesting the 2022 World Cup by shaking his head and tsk-ing while he watches every minute of the tournament. “Between the horrific abuse that m…
Halifax Oyster Fest mascot and Woody the Christmas Tree battle for control of harbour
HALIFAX – Scores of Haligonians were forced to evacuate their homes and business this morning as Pearl, the grotesque Oyster Fest mascot, and Woody, the horrifying talking Christmas tree, e…
Woman sets vibrator to “Elon Musk Getting Destroyed On Twitter” setting
Bedroom, Ontario – While blowing off some steam after a long day at work, Michelle Trudy opened the small pouch next to her bed and turned her vibrator to her favourite setting, “Elon Musk …
“No one said we’d be good this year” claims Sens fan who spent all summer saying team would be good this year
OTTAWA – Tired of being mocked for the team’s poor performance, Ottawa Senators fan David Martinson is reminding everyone that the team was expected to struggle, despite spending the …
Kanye West loses sponsorship deal with Schwartz’s Kosher Dreidels
LOS ANGELES – In another stunning blow to the merchandising empire of music legend Kanye West, the hip-hop artist has now lost his lucrative deal with Schwartz’s Kosher Dreidels. “We’ve been taki…
Blue Bombers hoping to win third straight Grey Cup and trade them in for one Super Bowl
REGINA — The Winnipeg Blue Bombers are attempting to claim their third straight Grey Cup, a generational feat that will allow them to redeem their hard-fought prizes for a single Super Bowl. “It…
Nutritionists worried people aren’t getting enough billionaires in their diet
WASHINGTON, DC – The U.S. National Institute of Health has issued a statement outlining their concerns that, despite a growing public appetite to devour the rich, people still aren’t consum…
