Middle Finger named “Official Bird” of Ontario highways
BARRIE – In the wake of a population boom, the Province of Ontario is proud to announce that the middle finger has been tapped as the “Official Bird” of their roadways. “For years, you cou…
New toonie honours Queen Elizabeth II and the polar bear that ate her
OTTAWA – The Royal Canadian Mint has announced a black ringed two-dollar coin featuring the 96-year-old Queen on one side, and the polar bear that killed and devoured her on the other. “As many C…
How to Live, Laugh, Love when you want to Leave, Laze and Loathe
OTTAWA – Don’t feel like living, laughing or loving? You’re not alone. Despite the barrage of well-meaning mugs, throw pillows and rustic signs, StatsCan says 87% of Canadians would much rather l…
Living History: Grandma exchanged letters with John Diefenbaker where he talks about his “Dief Beef”
PRINCE ALBERT – According to local historians, 98-year-old Dorothy Lamb exchanged letters with Prime Minister Diefenbaker they describe as “thoughtful,” “nuanced,” and “almost impossibly horny.” …
Breaking: This person has practiced for more than 10,000 hours and still sucks
TORONTO – Tim Ponsly, a local drummer who recently hit the 10,000 hours of practice needed to be regarded by many professionals as a master of his craft, still sucks. “Very few have reache…
Marit Stiles named Ontario NDP Leader after everyone else yells “Not it!”
TORONTO – Davenport MPP Marit Stiles has been named leader of the Ontario NDP after literally every other member of the party jumped backward, touched their noses, and yelled “Not it!” at t…
Health Canada draws attention to overlooked bivalent COVID vaccine by taking off its glasses and giving it bangs
OTTAWA – Officials at Health Canada have come up with a new strategy to drum up attention for the new bivalent COVID vaccine – by taking off its glasses and some chic bangs. “I know t…
This winter’s hottest beauty trend: Conventional attractiveness
Temperatures are low, nights are long, and cuffing season is in full swing. But what are the most up-to-date hair, beauty, and fashion trends you should be following this year to turn heads durin…
Quebec Premier states province can barely discriminate against the immigrants it already has
QUEBEC CITY, QC – Premier of Quebec Francois Legault has recently asked the federal government for more support with its number of immigrants, stating the province can barely produce enough…
Lazy, entitled teacher to spend entire weekend grading essays again
Strathmore, AB ― Sources confirm that local 11th- and 12th-grade English literature teacher Marian Jansen has already made plans for the weekend, and they once again involve just sitting around o…
