WASHINGTON, D.C. – The ongoing shutdown of the U.S. government has caused significant financial strain for the nation’s border patrol agents, who still have not been compensated for their v…
U.S.
Florida man growing increasingly suspicious of the perfectly normal day he’s having
Jacksonville, FL — Florida resident Dave Peterson has spent the majority of his afternoon desperately watching for potential threats after having a totally regular, non-headline-worthy day.…
Local man finds creeping fascism much easier to ignore than he expected
NEW YORK — Despite living in an age of xenophobia, attacks on the free press and political corruption, office manager David Newton is finding that fascism is much easier to ignore than he previou…
Cash-strapped NRA lays off “Thoughts” department to focus solely on “Prayers”
FAIRFAX, VA – Following news from the National Rifle Association that revenue has decreased by $55 million over the past year, the gun-rights group has announced it will be shuttering the “…
US smock market suffers worst crash in years
NEW YORK CITY — The U.S. Smock Market closed down nearly 19 points on Friday, capping off a week that saw a 42 per cent drop across the board, making it the worst smock market crash in hist…
Trump clarifies that massive Chinese tariffs will not include racist T-shirts
WASHINGTON, DC – Following his controversial $200 billion tariffs on Chinese imports, President Trump clarified this week that the tariffs would not apply to racially insensitive clothing. “Many …
Republicans confirm stance that life begins at conception and ends when your health insurance expires
WASHINGTON – The Republican party sent out a press release earlier today confirming their long-held stance that the boundaries of human life begin at conception and end at the exact moment …
Nation forbids Mueller from playing games on his iPad until final report is handed in
Washington, DC – After the dismissal of Attorney General Jeff Sessions this week, the U.S. nation has expressed great concerns regarding the likelihood of Robert Mueller’s report on the Rus…
Millions of Americans line up to give Ruth Bader Ginsburg one of their ribs
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Millions of Americans across the country swarmed their local hospitals Thursday, offering up their ribs to Ruth Bader Ginsburg. The long-serving Supreme Court Justice fra…
Trump fires Jeff Sessions as ‘treat to self’ after 6 days without constitutional crisis
WASHINGTON D.C. — United States Attorney General Jeff Sessions has resigned at the president’s request, a move Trump took as a reward to himself after lasting 6 whole days since his last co…
