WASHINGTON D.C. – Following this week’s indictment of wealthy serial child abuser Jeffrey Epstein, Labor Secretary Alexander Acosta responded has discussed his involvement in a controversial 2008 Epstein plea deal, asserting “if I could do it over today, I would hide his crimes in a totally different fashion”.
Acosta spoke candidly about his time as a US attorney and decision to personally intervene in the 2008 case, working privately with Epstein’s lawyers to secure minimal jail time and hide details from his formerly underage victims.
“If I had a second chance today,” Acosta explained, “I would definitely use much more subtle and sophisticated means to ensure that this well-connected Republican donor served as little time as possible for raping dozens of underage girls.” A tearful Acosta laid out his hypothetical plans, “For starters, I’d probably have my surrogates go on Fox News to attack the credibility of the children he molested, and maybe get the charges dropped all together.”
“After that,” a remorseful Acosta continued, “I would probably try to encourage this administration’s more unhinged social media followers to harass the victims online and silence them. But as always, hindsight is twenty-twenty.”
Asked if he bore any regrets for allowing a notorious child sex trafficker to largely elude justice, Acosta was frank. “People forget that things were different back in 2008, and breaking the rules to aid billionaire pedophiles was all the rage.”
“But now, in 2019 with Jeffrey Epstein’s longtime friend Donald Trump in the White House, I probably could have gotten the sentence down to time served,” Acosta added, wiping his eyes with a handkerchief.
Trump’s current Labor Secretary went on to assert that the White House completely stands behind his 2008 plea deal, which saw Acosta meet in secret with Epstein’s lawyers to help their client avoid federal charges of sex trafficking. “There have been tremendous advances in gaslighting victims and ensuring that wealthy rapists go free – advances that just weren’t options back in 2008.”
“Our president understands this shadowy system built to protect powerful abusers; frankly more than most.”
Reached for comment, West Wing staffers assured Epstein’s victims that this time around the process will be expedited, thanks to Trump’s forthcoming presidential pardon of his longtime friend.