Cole Harbour, NS – Pittsburgh Penguins Captain Sidney Crosby has returned to work at a Nova Scotia Tim Hortons after a concussion put the two-time Stanley Cup winner out of regular season p…
Sports
Auston Matthews retires as greatest Leaf in franchise history
OTTAWA – After a breakout rookie campaign, a successful sophomore season and an overtime winner in game 1 of the 2018/2019 NHL season Auston Matthews announced his retirement. Experts and p…
World Cup of Hockey won by plucky, Canadian overdogs
TORONTO – Coming from ahead and proving to the world that they are exactly what everyone says they are, team Canada has confirmed the odds were accurate by attaining a completely expected v…
Toronto Argonauts unveil new mascot “Empty Seat”
TORONTO – As part of a multi-million dollar rebrand of North America’s oldest professional football franchise, the Toronto Argonauts have replaced its previous mascot, “Jason the Masc…
Opposing football players discover they’ve been praying to same god
EAST RUTHERFORD – Minutes before kickoff of an NFL game, New York Jets cornerback Derrelle Revis and Dallas Cowboys tight end Jason Witten overheard each other praying to the same god for v…
Canadian athletes return from Rio to minimum wage jobs
TORONTO – After a strong performance in the Rio Olympics, Team Canada’s athletes have returned home to glory, accolades, and numerous retail positions. “Get out of my way! My shift at Tim H…
Ryan Lochte wins gold in 400m ‘Making Up A Robbery’
RIO – American swimmer Ryan Lochte has won his second gold medal of the Rio Olympics, this time in the Men’s 400m Making Up A Robbery That Never Actually Happened. “This is unreal, kind of …
Derek Drouin wins high jump gold while trying to escape horde of Rio rats
RIO DE JANEIRO – With a jump of 2.38m, 26 year-old Derek Drouin earned a gold medal in the high jump while trying to escape from a large group of rats that had found their way into the Rio …
7 dead after stray cigarette accidentally sets water in Olympic pool on fire
RIO DE JANEIRO – Seven are dead and 33 injured after a lit cigarette accidentally fell into the Olympic pool during a men’s semi-final heat for the 100m butterfly. “When I saw the cigarette…
Canadian child dreams of one day winning an Olympic bronze medal
BURLINGTON, ON – After witnessing Team Canada’s performance at the Rio Olympic Games, budding amateur athlete Karen Herder has been inspired to chase her dream of one day bringing home a br…
