FRANCE – Ratings for the 2016 UEFA European Championships took a sharp and overly dramatic drop earlier today, after receiving the slightest contact from the ratings of opposing programming…
Sports
Don Cherry’s personal support worker to host Hockey Night in Canada
TORONTO – Don Cherry’s personal care worker has learned that he will be the host of Hockey Night in Canada replacing George Stroumboulopoulos. The support worker, simply known as “Ron”, has…
Vegas NHL team excited to open for Jeff Dunham 5 nights a week
LAS VEGAS – The NHL has announced their Las Vegas expansion for the 2017-2018 season will provide an opening act for famed ventriloquist Jeff Dunham. “Yes, this team will be exclusively war…
Brazil assures world that country will be only be partly on fire by Olympics
BRASILIA – Amidst a presidential impeachment, numerous public health crises, incomplete infrastructure, and a wildfire that rages throughout the country, Brazilian officials assured the wor…
Canada gives standing O as Howe makes one last trip to the box
SASKATOON, SK – The entire nation of Canada took to its feet this week to deliver a standing ovation as Gordie Howe, better known as ‘Mr. Hockey,’ made his final trip to the box. Howe was assesse…
Montreal Grand Prix held in Toronto bike lane
TORONTO – After a last-minute change in venue, the biggest event in Canadian racing will be taking place in the bike lanes of Toronto. “Gaaah,” said Laura Yip, a local woman just trying to …
Monte Carlo collects $400,000 in fines from Formula One speed trap
MONACO – Calling it their most successful day yet, the Monte Carlo police force handed out $433,000 worth of speeding tickets in just 3 hours of traffic stops at yesterday’s Formula One rac…
Raptors fan seeks therapy to help cope with success
TORONTO, ON – Long time Raptors fan Dave Burkle admits to suffering unusual amounts of stress and anxiety during the Raptors historic playoff run. “I feel like I lost 3 months off my life,” said …
Russian athlete’s urine burns through testing cup
ROME — A Russian track and field’s athlete’s urine has spontaneously reacted with a testing cup during a routine drug test. The incident occurred some time after the very muscular long-jump…
