CALGARY – Scouts report that life coach Tom Duggan is replacing his client, Simon Pike, after Pike turned in an incredibly underwhelming performance during the first half of his life. “Simon, I r…
Sports
Owners refuse to fire Bettman due to his success taking NHL from 4th place league with struggling Canadian teams to 4th place league with struggling American teams
NEW YORK CITY – Despite Gary Bettman’s disastrous handling of the Brad Aldrich scandal, NHL insiders say owners are likely to stick with him as commissioner due to his amazing track r…
Bettman promises NHL will never allow sexual assault scandal to leak to media ever again
NEW YORK CITY – In the wake of revelations concerning the horrific sexual assault of Kyle Beach and the Chicago Blackhawks subsequent coverup, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman promised players…
Suspended Evander Kane says he’d have to throw at least 10 games to make up for lost wages
SAN JOSE – After being caught for forging his proof of COVID-19 vaccination, San Jose Sharks left winger Evander Kane says he would have to intentionally lose nearly a dozen games to make u…
Leafs begin home opener with annual apology for last season
TORONTO – As the Maple Leafs take to the ice to begin their season, MLSE PR have announced a number of pre-game festivities, including the usual apology for the catastrophic failure that wa…
Devastated Toronto Blue Jays fans in perfect place mentally for Leafs season to start
TORONTO – After the Blue Jays were eliminated from the playoffs in dramatic fashion, experts agree that Toronto fans are now in the absolute ideal mental state to get ready for a new season…
Brisbane announced as next city to be blighted with unholy curse of the Olympics
BRISBANE – Announced for the year 2032, Brisbane, Australia has been selected to become the next unfortunate city to be blighted with the unholy curse that is hosting the Olympic Games. Des…
Canada changes national anthem to “O Fuck, Y’All, Here Comes Canada”
TOKYO – The Olympics’ closing ceremonies were interrupted by Canada’s confident new anthem, which announced itself with sirens and airhorns. After a hype man shouted “O fuck, y’all, here comes Ca…
Olympic dressage horses sent home in disgrace for ignoring sex ban
TOKYO – Scandal has rocked the Olympics as dressage horses Bella Rose and Dream Boy were caught violating the ban on sex between athletes. “COVID forced us to re-evaluate our normally permissive …
NHL’s plan to become league that only caters to MRAs, alt-right trolls and creepy uncles going great
TORONTO – The NHL is reporting progress in their plan to drive away all but their most disturbed and depraved fans by choosing to support sexual offenders and violent, racist trolls. “…
