GENEVA – If you’ve ever wondered why, no matter how many you buy, you can never find a hair elastic when you need one, the scientists at CERN have finally discovered the problem: the act of…
Science and Technology
Kaiju nutritionists now recommend low-car diet
TOKYO – Scientists at the University of Tokyo specializing in giant monster nutrition have released a study on the merits of a diet low in cars. “We’ve found a concerning correlation between obes…
3D-printed guns single-handedly saving crafting industry
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a surprise move to many, the arts and crafts retail chain Michaels announced plans to join forces with the organization Defense Distributed in support of the US Justic…
Local woman changes position after man calls her a bitch online
CALGARY – It’s been a long, hard process of soul searching and self-reflection, but local internet user Grace Marsh isn’t complaining as she undertakes a complete overhaul of her opinions a…
Black & Decker invents new leaf blower that works at times other than 6:30AM
TORONTO – In a technological breakthrough that is set to revolutionize the landscaping industry, scientists at Black and Decker have invented a leaf blower that is able to be operated after…
Apple unveils bold new keyboard design inspired by natural wonder known as class action lawsuit
CUPERTINO, CA – Apple has refreshed its high-end MacBook Pro laptop line this week, featuring a revolutionary new keyboard design that was inspired by the class action lawsuits filed agains…
“Antarctic ice loss has tripled,” says crumpled report in garbage bin in Exxon’s cocaine lounge
Irving, TX – Oil industry insiders say that an alarming climate change report has been received by one of the top waste baskets in Exxon’s largest narcotic lounge. “It is imperative that we…
New tech investment to put Waterloo at leading edge of being destroyed by malicious AI
WATERLOO – An exciting wave of tech industry investment is set to make Kitchener-Waterloo the Canadian hub of creating an uncontrollable line of code that goes on to wreak incalculable economic a…
NASA’s Curiosity rover finds evidence of nightlife on Mars
WASHINGTON, DC – NASA has announced that the Curiosity rover has recently discovered compelling evidence for the existence of nightlife on Mars, including but not limited to clubs, bars, an…
Embarrassed scientists reveal alien radio signal was actually meant for a planet behind us
Mountain View, CA—Astronomers at the SETI Institute have confirmed that a radio signal originated from an advanced alien civilization, but was intended for a different planet behind Earth. “This …
