OTTAWA – Canada’s Food Guide is getting a complete overhaul, revamping the ten-year-old publication to deliver a clear nutritional message: “You’re doing it wrong.” The new Food Guide will …
National
Nova Scotia named best province to walk into the sea and end it all
HALIFAX – According to a survey by the Center For Goth Canadian Studies, Nova Scotia has been named the best province to walk into the sea and end it all. The results of the survey reveal t…
Shocked Trans Mountain pipeline sees Justin Trudeau and environment holding hands in restaurant
OTTAWA – The Trans Mountain pipeline was shocked to discover Justin Trudeau on a date with the environment yesterday evening, after the Prime Minister had just hours earlier told it that he…
Historic first: Phoenix pay system completes first payment for public servant without causing colossal fuck-up
OTTAWA – In what is being described as a historic first, IBM’s pay system for all of Canada’s public servants has successfully paid an employee the proper amount at the proper time without …
Quebec man pretty sure hour-long explanation of Quiet Revolution will convince people he’s not racist
TORONTO – After being called out on charged comments made at a Toronto house party, Gatineau native Jean Tommelier is currently explaining the history of Quebec’s Quiet Revolution in an att…
Man appointed as head of Women’s Advisory Board promises he ‘has many women friends’
TORONTO – Catalyst Canada, a non-profit organisation whose mandate is to further the advancement of women in the workplace, has just replaced their former chair, human man, Bill Downe, with…
Lynn Beyak asks Indigenous Canadians to join rest of Canada in ignoring Indigenous issues
OTTAWA – After spending several months carefully examining and refining her position, Senator Lynn Beyak has released a statement encouraging Indigenous Canadians to put aside their grudges…
Charlie Angus admits he’s the NDP Candidate in bed with the Muslim Brotherhood
TIMMINS, ON – After Jagmeet Singh’s recent event was interrupted by an islamophobe accusing him of colluding with the Muslim Brotherhood, rival NDP candidate Charlie Angus has admitted he i…
Rich Canadians horrified as Hurricane Irma bears down on helpless 5-star resorts
CANADA – As the category 5 Hurricane Irma barrels through the Caribbean and Florida, the top 0.1% of Canadian earners are bracing themselves emotionally for the destruction of the world’s b…
Nation’s loser children try to convince themselves that this school year will be different
KINGSTON, ON – As students across the country gear up for the back-to-school season, the nation’s dweebs, nerds and uglies are preparing for the worst, while hoping – against all reason …
