OTTAWA – Employees at Ace One consulting were collectively fuming at co-worker Vanessa Clay, the recipient of a whole two months of mat leave that’s she’s probably using to hang out at awes…
Local
Dog wearing kerchief thinks he’s so fucking cool
Guelph–Witnesses in the area have reported the presence of a dog wearing an orange bandana around his neck who seems to think he’s some real hot shit. The dog, Max, who onlookers speculate …
Pious Ontarians celebrate miraculous birth of Governor Simcoe
TORONTO – Thousands of devout Ontarians are celebrating one of the most holiest of provincial days marking the birth of Governor John Graves Simcoe. Across the province, citizens gathered a…
Teenager reported lost for five years reappears playing Pokemon Go
MEDICINE HAT, AB – A teenager who was once reported lost for five years has reappeared staring at his cellphone playing Pokemon Go. Jason Waterfield was just 15 years old when the Medicine …
New baby unprepared to save marriage
MONCTON – Admitting he was woefully underqualified for the assignment, newly born child Noah Wentworth has so far failed to save the marriage of his parents, Liam and Emma. “Oh boy, no way …
Local man vows to spend 30 minutes with date before catching a Squirtle
Unionville, ON — A local Pokemon Go player has vowed to spend at least thirty minutes with his Tinder date before logging into Pokemon Go to catch a Squirtle. RJ Henderson, age 29, remained…
On-point sock game does nothing to save local man from the void
TORONTO – Although he has replaced his plain white socks with bold and colourful ones, local man Allen Cheung will still know the cold taste of oblivion and the comfortless embrace of the g…
Man wearing all black at night coolest person ever hit by car
VANCOUVER – After being struck by a vehicle while walking downtown in an all-black ensemble, local man Luke Dresler has been declared the coolest person ever run over by a mid-size sedan. “…
Parents hope guitar lessons will get son laid soon
EDMONTON – Parents of 17-year-old Matthew Hendrickson have enrolled him in guitar lessons in the hope that a rudimentary understanding of the instrument will allow him to finally lose his v…
Local man asks rest of dog-fighting ring to quiet down so he can call in sick to work
OUTSKIRTS OF TOWN, ON – Local man Peter Franklin just needs everyone at this dog-fighting ring to quiet down so he can get out of work for the day. “Guys. Guys! C’mon, I just need a few min…
