VANCOUVER – After being struck by a vehicle while walking downtown in an all-black ensemble, local man Luke Dresler has been declared the coolest person ever run over by a mid-size sedan.
“This is awful, I couldn’t see him until it was too late,” said driver Kelsey Small. “Which is funny, because during the day his bold personal style would have been a total head turner.”
Witnesses report that an aloof Dresler, who was wearing black skinny jeans, a leather jacket, and dark sunglasses, was not even looking at traffic lights as he wandered directly into the busy street where he was struck.
“It was horrifying,” said witness Stanley Yu. “But my God, if he didn’t look cool right before that Buick eradicated him.”
Reports say passersby engaged in intense debate over whether Dresler’s outfit was classic Americana or ‘pure London,’ while Dresden coughed up the decimated ruin of his liver.
“Somebody this cool? He’ll be fine,” said local man Jim Hennessy of the heavily bleeding Dresler. “Watch, he’s gonna walk it off any second now.”
In between taking selfies with the devastated body of Dresler, some witnesses were overheard asking if the driver would face criminal charges.
“I think the only person here who might be arrested is Mr. Dresler, for looking so damn good,” said officer Michael Kontos, chuckling to himself.
At press time, Dresler’s doctors were still unable to find a blood donor cool enough for a life-saving transfusion.
