EDMONTON – Parents of 17-year-old Matthew Hendrickson have enrolled him in guitar lessons in the hope that a rudimentary understanding of the instrument will allow him to finally lose his virginity.
“We told him we wanted him to pursue his artistic dreams” said the boy’s father, James Hendrickson. “But really we’re just hoping a mediocre performance of Justin Bieber’s Love Yourself at a party will be good enough to finally get someone wet.”
“It’s time for him to learn how to strum a few basic chords and encourage some impressionable teen girl who doesn’t know any better to think he’s interesting enough to have sex with, just like I did with Matthew’s father,” said Jane Hendrickson, fondly touching her husband’s shoulder.
Demonstrating no talent for music, guitar teacher and lead guitarist and singer for local band, Shady Passed, Shadwick Murphy says he’ll have his work cut out for him with Matthew.
“I’m going to have to be more than a guitar teacher. I’m hoping his parents let me take him to my barber and give me a clothing budget. Also a tattoo couldn’t hurt,” said Murphy as he watched Matthew cheerfully play Clash of Clans on his phone.
At press time, the Hendrickson family has enrolled their 15-year-old daughter Samantha in improv classes in an effort to prevent her from losing her virginity.
