OUTSKIRTS OF TOWN, ON – Local man Peter Franklin just needs everyone at this dog-fighting ring to quiet down so he can get out of work for the day.
“Guys. Guys! C’mon, I just need a few minutes,” said Franklin to the group of bikers and drug dealers who were preparing to let two dogs kill each other for sport. “Just a few minutes and then we can hang out for the rest of the day.”
Observers say that Franklin then called his boss, but not before stepping on the dice being used in a craps game that were making too much noise.
“Yeah, I’m really not feeling so well,” said Franklin, frantically signalling that he wanted $300 put on Dr. Murder in the next round. “I’ll get the expense reports done for Friday, sir. Oh, and could you ask Karen – cough – could you ask her to water my plants?”
Franklin, who has worked at Palmer Accounting for the last 5 years, is known for his punctuality, commitment to hard work, and for owning one of the most vicious mastiffs this side of the St. Lawrence.
“I think I’ll be better pretty soon… What was that? ‘Why am I calling at 5am’?” said Franklin, rubbing a small amount of cocaine on his teeth. “I just wanted to give you a heads up. Didn’t want to let you down. You know?”
At press time, Karen had not watered the plants.
