TORONTO — Neighbourhood creep Roger Andrews wants you to know that he has been watching you every night for the past six months, and has become extremely worried about your increasingly dec…
Local
Cat aggressively reclaims furniture that moved five feet to the left
NEW WESTMINSTER, BC – A cat has re-taken control of a small IKEA armchair after his owner shifted the piece of furniture to another corner in the room. Podge, a seven-year-old Tabby, conduc…
Child hoping parents divorce in time for two Christmases
STONY PLAIN, AB – With only days left until Christmas, local 2nd grader Ryan Nepalen is hoping his parents will finally make the long overdue decision to separate in time for him to have tw…
Elementary school kid looks forward to only wearing snow pants for the next 4 months
KINGSTON, ON — As the winter season kicks into full gear, Grade 4 student, Daniel Ready, is officially prepared to only dress in his snowpants for the next 4 months. “I love when my clothes…
The Beaverton finally given hour-long CTV special to take on its greatest foe: Christmas
TORONTO – After years spent taking on lesser enemies like the media and the concept of telling the truth, Canada’s satirical news empire The Beaverton has finally convinced CTV to give it one hou…
Parents update password to latest dog
VANCOUVER, BC – In a surprising move, Kevin and Sue Dikkers have updated their computer passwords to the latest family dog. ‘Frances!1’ replaces ‘Benji!1’, a long running password held in h…
Insufferable hipster blossoms into insufferable yuppie
VICTORIA, B.C. — Friends and family of local man James Yorn have reported a mixture of joy and pride on seeing their friend mature from a shallow, self-absorbed, pretentious hipster to an e…
Child dreams of one day creating content
WINNIPEG – Jacob Kubbs, 9 years old, reportedly spends his days sitting in the back of his Grade 4 class staring off into the distance, distracted by fantasies of being able to spend all hi…
Gender-affirming surgery “not what God intended,” says woman with breast implants
WATERLOO, ON – A local woman has come out firmly against the use of gender-affirming surgery, calling on transgender people to ‘love your body the way God made it,’ even though she is a frequen…
Baby determined to put entire housecat in mouth
VANCOUVER—Reports have confirmed that nine-month old Madison Karn wants more than anything in the world to fit her parents’ 10-year old Himalayan mix cat, Mittens, entirely into her mouth. Madiso…
