STONY PLAIN, AB – With only days left until Christmas, local 2nd grader Ryan Nepalen is hoping his parents will finally make the long overdue decision to separate in time for him to have two Christmases.
“Everyone knows the marriage isn’t gonna last,” explained Ryan. “They’re just staying together for me right now, but they should know the best thing they can do for me is give me two days of opening presents and eating chocolate. It’s so unfair that they’re being this selfish.”
Ryan is envious of his classmates who have divorced parents, claiming that on top of two Christmases, these children often also get two birthday parties, two pets, and to spend every weekend eating McDonald’s and not wearing a seatbelt. He believes that any good parent, even those in good marriages, should divorce as something like ‘love’ should never get in the way of a child’s happiness, or their potential to have both the newest Xbox and PlayStation.
“Ryan is just going through a phase. Don’t listen to his nonsense,” claims Ryan’s mother Jennifer. “If he sees his friends have something, naturally he wants it as well. He’s been trying to sabotage our marriage by signing on to our Instagram accounts and unfollowing each other, which is apparently the biggest betrayal of trust a child can experience. Maybe if his grades are good we’ll spend a week on a break.”
When reached for comment Ryan’s father Jared Nepalen was unavailable after having to spend yet another late night at work completing an overdue project alongside an unnamed coworker.