Ottawa, ON – Following over a year of pandemic induced lockdown, a government PSA seeks to help Canadians rethink their relations to the fourth dimension. “The first step is to re…
Lifestyle
Fully vaccinated grandparents descend on nation’s strip clubs
OTTAWA – As elderly Canadians receive their second COVID vaccine before younger citizens, hordes of thirsty seniors are flooding into the nation’s strip clubs. “I spent quarantine worrying I’d ha…
Natural deodorant deemed a waste of nature
TOFINO, BC – After trying multiple brands and formulations of natural deodorant, it’s been decided that natural deodorant is absolutely a waste of nature. Our planet deserves better than to…
Ikea introduces pre-packaged little black hairs for men to sprinkle over their bathrooms
CONSHOHOCKEN, PA – Ikea today announced their latest product, the Grovahårstrån – pre-packaged little black hairs for single men to decoratively sprinkle all over their lonesome bathr…
Houseplant overwhelmed by task of brightening bachelor apartment
HAMILTON – A lone succulent is said to be overwhelmed with the task of brightening 28-year-old Gavin Isaac’s bachelor apartment. The nine-dollar plant was purchased yesterday from the…
Male ally suggests women who don’t want to be attacked surgically implant keys between fingers like Wolverine
CALGARY – Darin Hendricks, a self-identified male feminist ally, thinks women who don’t want to be attacked should have their keys surgically implanted between their fingers like Wolverine.…
Nation’s dads just reminding you that Mom’s birthday coming up, not that you’d forget
OTTAWA – Dads nationwide have been checking in throughout the day with a reminder that your mom’s birthday is next week and you should definitely give her a call, but of course you kn…
Re-opening escape room owners find dozens of trapped corpses
WINNIPEG – As escape rooms around Canada get back to business, owners are discovering the emaciated corpses of players who couldn’t solve their puzzles when they were forced to close. “It looks …
Sleepy man just going to lie down on this couch, and whatever happens, happens
GIMLI, MB – After suffering from intense fatigue all morning, local man Gerald Hines has elected to stop trying to control the future and lie down on his couch in the middle of the day. “Th…
Local introvert regrets making that wish on Monkey’s Paw last year
KITCHENER-WATERLOO – Herb White, a self-avowed introvert, expressed deep regret about the wish he made last year upon finding a monkey’s paw by the side of the road. “Since last year, a gl…