NEW YORK – This just in, spring’s hottest trend has nothing to do with bomber jackets or skinny jeans and everything to do with your immune system. Famous trend forecaster Jil Whitman has o…
Health
Study: Drop in world life expectancy attributable to rising obesity, Gorthax the Hypergalactic Space Cannibal
FREDERICTON – A ground-breaking study out of UNB has concluded that recent reductions in world life expectancy is caused equally by rising obesity rates and the recent invasion of the planet by G…
Man researching meditation really going through something right now
VANCOUVER – The growing obsession of local man, Jeremy Moore surrounding meditation and mindfulness has prompted many to believe that he’s seriously stressed the fuck out. “I knew something…
BEAUTY SECRET: The number one trick to ridding cellulite – remove legs!
Wow! An exciting scientific breakthrough has proven the definitive way for banishing cellulite forever, and it’s just so simple you’ll be like, why didn’t I think of that! Remove legs! Participan…
BREAKING: Elite squad of super pharmacists fills prescription in just 90 minutes
COBOURG, ON – Reports have emerged that an elite team of the country’s finest pharmacists have somehow managed to fill a customer’s prescription after a wait of only an hour and a half. “It…
Doctors: cutting out caffeine offers great benefits to superiority complex
A recent meta-analysis of studies related to caffeine has led doctors to conclude that giving up caffeine can provide a healthy boost to a weakening superiority complex. However, the correlation …
Winnipeg’s ERs now requiring patients to bring their own beds
WINNIPEG – Those seeking treatment at Winnipeg’s ERs will now be required to bring their own hospital beds as a part of a new strategy to reduce wait times. Officials from the Winnipeg Regi…
Liberals to let teenagers smoke weed, as long as they do it with their parents
“We should go swimming.” Final episode of The Beaverton Season One airs tonight, 10pm (et) on Comedy Network.…
Nation’s doctors demand musicians stop consulting them about love, having blues
OTTAWA – As hospitals and family doctors find themselves increasingly overworked in the winter months, a statement released today by the Canadian Medical Association is imploring musicians …
Local woman loses holiday weight just in time for world to end
GUELPH – Through counting points, exercising and an astounding variety of vegetable-based pasta substitutes, Christine Newman finally lost her holiday weight just in time for the world to i…
