EDINBURGH – In the latest of a slew of Harry Potter retconning, J. K. Rowling recently tweeted that the beloved know-it-all Hermione Granger is a trans-exclusionary radical feminist who is …
Culture
Hallmark CEO reverses decision to pull ads featuring lesbians after being visited by three gay ghosts
STUDIO CITY, CA – Following a magical nocturnal adventure guided by three homosexual Christmas spirits, the president and CEO of Hallmark Cards Inc has publicly apologized for caving into r…
Dozens flee local bar after noticing microphone stand
LONDON, ON — What was supposed to be a regular night, at Dawson’s Pub and Eatery, turned to mayhem last night when the appearance of a microphone stand sent many patrons fleeing for their l…
“Kids just don’t play like they used to” says dead body down by the quarry
BOBCAYGEON, ON — On a grey November morn down by a not often trodden down path near a quarry it has been reported by Phil Douglass, deceased January 10, 1996, that children “just don’…
Local woman’s Spotify Year in Review very sad, very horny
EDMONTON – Yesterday, Spotify released their annual ‘Wrapped’ feature, which reveals users’ most played music from the past year. However not all were impressed, including Jillian Langdon, …
Rioters demand return of Anne with an E
CHARLOTTETOWN – Cities across the country are paralyzed amid the chaos stemming from the cancellation of the CBC-Netflix series ‘Anne with an E.’ The protestors, ranging in age from 8-17 an…
Inspiring: Jennifer Aniston on turning 50, ghastly aging painting in attic
LOS ANGELES – Jennifer Aniston, radiant as ever at fifty, revealed that the secret to her perfect, wrinkle-free skin is a regular exfoliation routine, a daily meditation practice, and a gho…
Are hedgehogs getting sexier? Hollywood says yes
Move over, Bambi’s mom. Hollywood’s animated creature kingdom just got hotter. Following widespread outcry over the unalluring appearance of Sonic the Hedgehog in the first trailer for his new fi…
Poster for local comedy show just headshots of 12 people that aren’t famous
TORONTO – This month, residents have taken notice of a poster advertising a local comedy show that has appeared to litter the downtown core. The poster itself has raised more questions than…
Designated driver drunk on power
Phelpston, ON – After an hour at Gabe Newton’s 23rd Birthday Bash designated driver Mark Lougheed, drunk on power, has decreed that he is ready to leave and has decided that all those he br…
