QUEEN’S PARK – Shortly after unveiling Ontario’s new “Open for Business” border signs, Premier Ford has announced that the province’s iconic “yours to discover” license plates will be discontinue…
Business
Editorial: I hate cannabis but I love dangerous speculative investing. What am I to do?
I despise marijuana. While the rest of Canada has decided to succumb to reefer madness, I still hold true to what I was taught in my health lessons at school and numerous all-star cartoon special…
Dollarama already stocking decorations for your funeral
MONTREAL – Despite the event being at least several months away, Dollarama, the nation’s largest dollar store chain, has already begun stocking decorations for your funeral. As early as la…
Backpack designers add separate compartment for the rotting fruit you’ve forgotten about
TORONTO – For the added convenience of the forgetful person, developers of backpacks and handbags are adding an additional compartment for all of the decomposing pieces of fruit that you pu…
A&W now only serving chicken raised without antibiotics, hope for the future
NORTH VANCOUVER, BC – Following the success of progressive initiatives like paper straws and the Beyond Meat burger, A&W Canada, who has already committed to using chickens raised witho…
Public beheading of Ticketmaster execs already sold out
LAS VEGAS – After a damning investigative report by CBC News/Toronto Star revealed collusion between Ticketmaster and scalpers, the company’s shareholders took the rare step of ordering the…
Sir Topham Hatt resigns amid allegations of being “weird with the trains”
ISLAND OF SODOR – Sir Topham Hatt, the longtime controller of the North West Railway on the Island of Sodor, resigned at a press conference yesterday after several reports surfaced of bizar…
Rise in conspiracy theories revealed to be driven by corkboard, string manufacturers
WASHINGTON D.C. — A federal task force has determined that the recent rise in online conspiracy theories has in fact been a well-coordinated plot by several powerful corporations designed t…
Apathetic makers of children’s cereal slap cartoon character on bag of sugar
MISSISSAUGA, ON – Cereal designers at Kellogg’s have shown that they’re calling it in with its most recent children’s breakfast cereal which is simply a bag of white sugar with a colourful …
Local consultant not sure what he does, either
TORONTO – Eight months after starting work at his firm, local consultant Keith Calderon still has difficulty explaining what it is that he actually does for a living. “What does consultant …