OTTAWA – As the nation enters the federal election home stretch, Elections Canada now suggests that any and all prospective voters take a few minutes each day to scream as long and loud as …
Middle-school science teacher has already blown through the cool experiments
TORONTO – Although he is only a month into the school year, local science teacher Carlos Leslie has already run out of the fun, exciting, and even marginally interesting science experiments…
Memorial service for deceased BMW driver held in bike lane
TORONTO – Following his tragic accident last week, this morning a memorial service was held for deceased BMW driver Cole Richards in the middle of a busy bike lane in Toronto. “I can’t beli…
Trump announces running mate will be solid gold statue of Donald Trump
NEW YORK – Following the GOP debate this week, Donald Trump has announced that, if he is selected as the Republican candidate for President, his running mate will be a solid gold statue of …
Ontario middle schooler can’t believe he has so much orgy and Satanism homework
TORONTO – After only one week of the new sex-ed curriculum, local 7th grader Jimmy Donaldson can’t believe he has to spend the entire weekend doing group sex and devil-worship assignm…
Harper polling well in sought-after ‘corrupt’ demographic
OTTAWA – As the senate expense trial continues, Prime Minister Stephen Harper has seen his support drop in most demographics, but he has also seen a steep rise among Canada’s corrupt. “Some…
400,000 Blue Jays fans injured after bandwagon crashes outside stadium
TORONTO – Tragedy struck in the Rogers Center parking lot today when a head-on collision occurred between a sedan and a 400,000 seat bandwagon following yet another lopsided Blue Jays victo…
Encarnacion hits 3 home runs, scores 9 RBIs, ascends to being of pure energy
TORONTO – Following a historic performance of 9 RBIs and 3 home runs, including one Grand Slam, Blue Jays slugger Edwin Encarnacion shocked the capacity crowd at Rogers Center by transmutin…
Mulcair hastily flushes pot legislation down toilet after parents come home early
OTTAWA – After being surprised by his parents early arrival, NDP leader Thomas Mulcair was forced to dispose of his draft for a marijuana legalization bill. “Oh fuck! Oh fuck!” said Mulcair…
Toronto alleviates traffic issues with controlled cull of drivers
TORONTO – After years of downtown gridlock and extremely slow rush hour traffic, the Toronto city council has approved a controlled cull of drivers to help reduce their population numbers. …
