“I can’t believe it. I just spoke to him last week,” said sister of the deceased, Laura Richards. “He was totally fine. Still joking around. Still going to work. Still making right hand turns without signaling or looking.”
Richards, who was killed while speeding and texting, had asked that his funeral not be a mournful affair, but rather a celebration of a life spent endangering cyclists.
“Seeing his casket, jutting out into the right-hand lane like that, it was only then that it hit me: he’s really gone,” said mourner Tim Lefkowitz. “Who’s going to fill his shoes down at the hedge fund?”
Friends and family were invited to say a few words and to also quickly open the casket lid without checking their blind spot for even a goddamn second.
“The BMW family has lost one of it’s best and brightest,” said CEO Harald Krüger, talking to reporters over an obnoxious bluetooth headset. “We thought he would be clogging intersections for years to come.”
In Richards’ memory, BMW is donating a brand new i8 to be parked across three handicapped spaces at the grocery store.
At press time, Richards’ son, Skylar, had thrown the ceremonial first shovelful of dirt into the face of a passing cyclist.