TORONTO – After years of downtown gridlock and extremely slow rush hour traffic, the Toronto city council has approved a controlled cull of drivers to help reduce their population numbers.
“Toronto’s street environment wasn’t built to handle such a massive swarm,” explained city councilman Mike Layton. “If we don’t start killing them off they’re going to multiply out of control.”
Toronto mayor John Tory has already implemented several initiatives to limit driver overpopulation. As often as possible, motorists have been caught and released in northern Ontario, where the streets are far less populated. Other drivers have slowly starved to death, snared in one of Toronto’s several “never-ending red light” traps. Still more have fallen victim to a portion of the 401 that ends in a giant pit.
“Many of these are invasive drivers, arriving here from outside their natural habitat,” said Tory. “The damage done to our roadways by Mississauga, Brampton, and Markham drivers is appalling. We’ve tried the more humane methods. This minor cull is the only practical way to rebuild.”
However, some believe that the city isn’t going far enough. Many of the groups most endangered by driver overpopulation, such as cyclists and pedestrians, actively advocate for the larger scale extermination and, if possible, torture of motorists.
“How dare the government waste all this time and energy keeping this dangerous species alive,” said Graham Linder, a bicycle messenger. “Just exterminate them all and stop whining. It’s not as if they’re human.”
The population density hasn’t been good for the health of the drivers either. Driver Removal Specialists (DRS) hired by the city say they often see motorists in the downtown area who are completely unable to move or just barely able to crawl toward their destination.
“I’ll never forget the time I was sent to Bay and Bloor,” said DRS Jillian Carmichael. “There was this poor, paralyzed driver sitting in bumper to bumper. His horn was wailing plaintively. I don’t think he even wanted to live anymore. Ol’ Betsy gave him the gifts of two full barrels and an angel’s wings.”
At press time, John Tory was debating whether to blow up the Gardiner with everyone still on it.
