OTTAWA – After being surprised by his parents early arrival, NDP leader Thomas Mulcair was forced to dispose of his draft for a marijuana legalization bill.
“Oh fuck! Oh fuck!” said Mulcair, seeing his father’s sedan pulling into the driveway. “Quick, get rid of the shit, [NDP chief of staff] Alain [Gaul]!”
In the 40 seconds it took Mr. and Mrs. Mulcair to exit the car, enter the house, and knock on Mulcair Jr.’s door, a total of 4oz of high-grade federal legislation was dumped into the toilet and flushed. Despite getting rid of evidence and spritzing himself with cologne to get rid of the distinctive ink smell, Mulcair was still subjected to further questioning.
“Why are my eyes red?” said the opposition leader to his mother, Mrs. Mulcair. “I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not that. My eyes aren’t red because I stayed up all night working on a bill that decriminalizes the possession and use of marijuana. It’s… it’s just allergies.”
After finding no wrongdoing, Mulcair’s father informed the press that his son is a “good boy” and that a “good boy wouldn’t legalize a dangerous narcotic such as marijuana”.
“Not even once,” added Mulcair Sr.
At press time, Thomas Mulcair had rushed back into his parents’ house after realizing he’d left some “special” proposals in the oven.
