TORONTO – Responding to news that tickets to the Tragically Hip’s farewell tour had sold out within seconds, largely to scalpers, Ticketmaster President Jared Smith assured disappointed fan…
Trump receives concession call from someone named “John Kasich”
WASHINGTON – Presumptive republican presidential nominee Donald Trump was interrupted during a foreign policy briefing by a concession phone call from an individual named “John Kasich”, who…
Carly Fiorina instantly drives Cruz campaign into bankruptcy
WASHINGTON, DC — Republican primary candidate Ted Cruz announced yesterday that he will name fired Hewlett Packard C.E.O. Carly Fiorina as his running mate, moments before she drove his cam…
Attawapiskat First Nation receives urgent airdrop of committee reports
ATTAWAPISKAT – Following the declaration of a state of emergency over recent suicide attempts in the remote First Nation settlement, the Canadian government has wasted no time airlifting in…
Kevin O’Leary starts rumour that Kevin O’Leary named in Panama Papers
TORONTO – Following the explosive “Panama Papers” leak, detailing the offshore accounts of high profile billionaires worldwide, Dragon’s Den star Kevin O’Leary has been caught starting a ru…
Mississippi boundaries redrawn to officially relocate state to the wrong side of history
JACKSON, MISS. – Following the passage of a bill containing sweeping anti-LGBTQ legislation, Mississippi lawmakers have voted to relocate the state to the wrong side of history, just to mak…
Ghomeshi Judge: “We must fight against the stereotype that women tell the truth”
TORONTO – In a decisive ruling, Ghomeshi trial Judge William Horkins urged Canadians to remain vigilant against the baseless notion that women are ever truthful about sexual assault, victim…
R-rated cut of Batman vs. Superman to include deleted ‘make-up sex’ scene
HOLLYWOOD – Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice director Zack Snyder has confirmed a forthcoming R-rated release of the film including a deleted scene of the two heroes reconciling sexuall…
‘GOP polls that dismissed Trump were laughable’ says Democrat whose polls dismiss Trump
WASHINGTON, D.C. – While mocking 2015 polls that said Donald Trump couldn’t possibly win the GOP nomination, DNC political operative Colin McCallum maintained that his own internal polls sh…
Office Oscar Pool just fucking demolished by Maureen from accounting
FREDERICTON – Reports are flooding in that the MacIntosh & Carter Law Offices informal Oscar pool was straight up annihilated last night by accounts payable manager Maureen Petrie, 52. …
