TORONTO — With the NHL announcing it will suspend the 2019/20 season due to concerns over the coronavirus pandemic, the League has also announced that the Toronto Maple Leafs have somehow s…
CDC urges Americans to stay safe by doing opposite of everything Trump says
ATLANTA, GA — Following a televised White House address, the Centers For Disease Control is urging Americans to take precautions against the COVID-19 virus by studying President Trump’s ins…
Experts scramble to figure out how global oil price crash the fault of Wet’suwet’en protestors
CALGARY — As oil prices crash 31% worldwide and the Dow drops more than 2,000 points over Coronavirus fears, oil industry experts are working hard on a way to blame all of this on recent We…
Eglinton LRT construction extended just long enough to be cancelled at last minute
TORONTO — With the recent announcement that the long-under-construction Eglinton LRT will be completed in 2022, the TTC has assured riders that this is only to ensure that the entire projec…
Nation’s moms form vigilante gang to make sure you get that cough checked out
EDMONTON — Mothers from all across Canada have banded together to form an extra-legal armed posse with the sole aim of making sure you get a doctor to check out that nasty cough. Meeting at…
Horrified Conservative Party realizes they never told Scheer he was fired
OTTAWA — After a video of Andrew Scheer railing against CBC’s stance on the preschool cartoon Paw Patrol went viral, panic gripped the Conservative Party’s top members upon realizing they’d…
Commuters warned not to retrieve items dropped on subway tracks unless it’s your phone in which case fair enough
TORONTO — Subway passengers are being warned never to attempt to reach for personal articles that have fallen onto the subway tracks, unless it’s their cell phone because how are you just g…
Aides restrain Trudeau to prevent him resolving Wet’suwet’en blockade with “perfect costume”
OTTAWA — As Wet’suwet’en railway blockades across Canada continue with no end in sight, PMO aides have reportedly been forced to physically restrain Prime Minister Trudeau to stop him from …
Rogers unveils new “Worse Than Your Current Plan” plans
TORONTO — Telecom giant Rogers Wireless has announced a new cellphone plan which they promise customers will be a much worse deal than the Rogers plan they are currently on. Rogers’ new Wor…
Local commuter fantasizes about world on other side of salt-caked bus window
WINNIPEG — While riding the number 12 William bus on her daily morning commute Jaynice Shermer, 37, actively fantasized about the world hidden just outside the filthy bus window. “What wond…
