OTTAWA — After a video of Andrew Scheer railing against CBC’s stance on the preschool cartoon Paw Patrol went viral, panic gripped the Conservative Party’s top members upon realizing they’d never officially told Andrew Scheer he’d been terminated.
“Oh shit oh shit,” yelled an anxious Candice Bergen. “Has Scheer just been showing up to events and stuff this whole time?” The Conservative caucus watched the viral video where an uncomfortably red-faced Scheer spends 3 excruciating minutes making seemingly unrelated arguments about children’s cartoons, capitalism, East Berlin, the CBC, a university professor, Belarus, the DMV, and his own daughter.
“Where did that drink come from at the end? Was he holding that off camera the entire time,” asked a baffled John Brassard.
Upon further investigation, the Conservatives realized with mounting horror that Scheer is clearly under the impression that he is still the leader of the Conservative Party, as opposed to just some random MP from somewhere. “Did you guys see this thing about Scheer telling Indigenous protestors last week to ‘check their privilege’?” said Bergen, looking through a google search for “Scheer + dumb”.
“Jesus Christ, do people think he was speaking for us?”
Sources report that, since announcing he is stepping down in December of last year, Scheer has continued to give speeches and make video posts like an active party leader despite the fact that, technically speaking, he’s the political equivalent of Bernie from Weekend At Bernie’s.
This is not the first example in Scheer’s life of him failing to catch an obvious hint. “He did the same thing when I broke him with in high school,” said ex Maria Herzfield. “I told him it was over and he said ‘fine’, but then he just showed up the next day to take me to Prom. He’d even rented a powder blue tuxedo. In 1998.”
Back at CPC Headquarters, various Conservative MPs attempted to assign blame for not telling Scheer that he when he was forced to resign as leader, it was implicit that he would also “keep his damn mouth shut.”
“I thought (CPC MP Mark) Strahl was supposed to sit him down and explain it,” shouted an angry Diane Finley. Strahl then held up his hands, imploring “I’m not getting stuck with that detail. I told a Page to handle it.” Other excuses included “I forgot”, “He weirds me out”, and “I got caught up in Netflix’s The Circle.”
After nearly an hour of finger pointing, the Conservative caucus determined that no one had actually received confirmation that Scheer understood he was no longer the party leader in any capacity whatsoever.
As the assembled MPs drew straws to determine who would be forced to “take Milk Boy out behind the shed”, Scheer was meanwhile editing the final touches on his latest video challenging David Suzuki to a milk chugging contest.