VICTORIA, B.C. – Striking a self-sacrificing blow for international gay rights, local non-sports fan Jamie Donaldson has been refusing to watch the Sochi Olympics. “It’s been really difficu…
International Olympic Committee admits there are no real rules to Curling
SOCHI – A controversial call during a recent match has revealed that nobody in the world actually knows what is up with Curling. What began as a simple inquiry about whether or not “offside” was …
Record winter leaves old people unable to boast about winters when they were young
CANADA – The coldest winter in more than two decades has left Canada’s elderly scrounging for ways to make themselves seem hardier than today’s youth.weather “When I was a boy, the winters …
Flaherty aide spends three days editing swear words out of 2014 budget
OTTAWA – To prepare the 2014 budget for its unveiling, sources report that Flaherty’s top aide, Luisa McManus, worked round the clock to remove all obscenities from the document. “How much …
Feds reduce healthcare budget to invest in megacemetery
OTTAWA – In a move that has been lauded by right-wing policy experts, the Harper government announced plans today to slash the nation’s healthcare budget in order to finance construction of…
Local uncle insists he does not murder people at truck stops
PETERBOROUGH, ON – When asked at a family dinner what he had done the previous weekend, local uncle William Tudor Falkes vehemently denied that he was in the habit of taking human lives at …
That pusillanimous charlatan David Johnston has perniciously mulct the Order of Canada from me
BY CONRAD BLACK In what can only be called a banal display of demagoguery, the Governor General, along with that Star Council of pabulum known as the advisory council, has hoisted me from the Ord…
Olympic luger can’t wait to luge the fuckin’ luge out of luge track
Canadian Olympic Luger Mitchel Malyk announced today that he was “totally luged-up” to perform in the one-man luge at the upcoming 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics. “Honestly, I’ve been luging my whole…
Fabio announces plans to not stand shirtless on a mountaintop
MILAN – In a startling career move, the Italian model, spokesman and actor Fabio Lanzoni announced earlier today that his next project would be to not stand topless on the peak of a mountai…
I just want to share the game I love, and be treated like a living god in the process
BY DENNIS RODMAN You know I’ve taken a lot of heat during my career. Whether it’s for the dyed hair and the piercings, headbutting opponents, refusing to leave the court after being e…
