OTTAWA – In a move that has been lauded by right-wing policy experts, the Harper government announced plans today to slash the nation’s healthcare budget in order to finance construction of an enormous cemetery outside of Winnipeg.
“The best evidence-based policy research shows that human beings inevitably die, and that huge amounts of taxpayer dollars are wasted on slowing this process,” Prime Minister Harper said. “The only fiscally responsible course of action is to allow people to die as quickly as possible, and then bury them on the cheap.”
Although the plan has faced opposition from other political parties, Minister of Health Rona Ambrose has slammed critics for advocating “literal band-aid solutions.”
“When somebody gets hurt, all that the Liberals and New Democrats want is for the government to step in and stop the bleeding,” Ambrose said. “But this government wants to address the underlying issue: that human beings are skin bags filled with blood, and that this blood is going to dry up sooner or later.”
Sources say that, of the 211-billion dollar healthcare cut, fourteen billion will be spent on the acquisition of six new snowmobiles for the Canadian forces, 91 billion will go towards a tax break for the country’s eight wealthiest people, 60 billion will be spent on “Economic Action Plan” billboards, 45.75 billion will be spent on travel expenses, and the remainder will be spent on the eleven square-mile open air corpse pit outside of Winnipeg.
“Surveyors from the company we hired to dig the cemetery pit have assured us that there’s no way millions of rotting bodies could contaminate the groundwater on nearby First Nations reserves,” said Minister of Aboriginal Affairs and Northern Development Bernard Valcourt. “So, you know, it should be okay.”
At press time, the government had also announced plans to scrap education in order to finance the “Kidz 4 Kanada’z Energy Independenze” oil sands junior internship program.
With files by Keith Cochrane
