Fabio announces plans to not stand shirtless on a mountaintop - The Beaverton

Fabio announces plans to not stand shirtless on a mountaintop

MILAN – In a startling career move, the Italian model, spokesman and actor Fabio Lanzoni announced earlier today that his next project would be to not stand topless on the peak of a mountain.

“I’ve stood on top of a lot of mountains, wearing a lot of not shirts,” Lanzoni said. “I’ve realized that there has to be more to life than this. There has to be more to Fabio.”

“ I could be standing shirtless at sea-level, or fully-dressed on top of a mountain. And those are only two of what I imagine must be several other options.”

Lanzoni has said that he “dabbled” in not standing shirtless on a mountaintop as a young man, but that he was never quite able to get the knack of it.

“Those early attempts were disasters.” Lanzoni said. “I’d wake up in the morning to read an accounting book, and the next thing I knew, I would be astride some rocky pinnacle with the wind in my nipples.”

Following a recent expedition to mount everest, Lanzoni was treated for frostbite, hypothermia, hypoxia and syphilis, an experience which he says has contributed to his career reinvention.

“We’re fine with the decision,” said Ruth Williams, head of the international Fabio appreciation society. “Just so long as he continues to stand shirtless on top of something, like a tree, or a building.”

Unfortunately for fans, Lanzoni has said that buildings are “out of the question”, because a building is nothing but a mountain inside of a city.

This is not the first time that Fabio fans have faced heartbreak. In 1999, the spokesman also announced his retirement from the world of competitive getting-hit-in-the-face-by-a-goose.