CALGARY — A new television program airing on History tonight will explore the not-so-distant past when the network had actual shows that examined the events that shaped the future. The show…
Tortoise agonizing over putting down pet human
CANBERRA — After 78 years of companionship, local tortoise Sally Lansdowne is debating whether to euthanize her ailing pet human, Phil. The Caucasian-breed homo sapien was adopted by Lansdo…
Swooning world leaders tell Trudeau climate isn’t the only thing that’s hot around here
PARIS — World leaders at the COP21 meeting on climate change have reached a consensus that both the climate and Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau are getting hotter and hotter. An amor…
Turkey pardoned by Obama re-offends, back on death row
WASHINGTON, DC — The turkey who was recently pardoned by US President Barack Obama yesterday was apprehended last night after a vicious crime spree that left one dead. The 40 pound turkey k…
Russia-Turkey missile-for-warplane trade deal goes horribly wrong
ANKARA — A military equipment trade deal between Russia and Turkey ended in tragedy after Turkey delivered several air-to-air missiles directly to a Russian warplane causing a sudden explos…
Trudeau announces last remaining caged public servants to be released Monday
OTTAWA — In an effort to improve the relationship with the public service, Justin Trudeau’s Liberal government has said it will release the last remaining caged public servants still locked…
Northern telecommunications company known for unpredictable outages vows to improve hold music
YELLOWKNIFE — A recent spate of internet and phone disruptions has lead Northwestel to drastically improve the quality and variety of recorded music for customers waiting to complain about …
Fuck you
BY: RT. HON. STEPHEN HARPER, FORMER PRIME MINISTER OF CANADA As my final act as Prime Minister of Canada, there is something I would like to express to all Canadians from coast-to-coast-to-coast;…
BREAKING: Police investigating after toothbrush found in child’s Halloween candy
MISSISSAUGA — Peel Regional Police are investigating after a child reportedly found a non-candy item in her trick-or-treat loot. “On the evening of the 31st, an nine-year-old child reported…
IOC announces new herniated disc throw event
LAUSANNE — The International Olympic Committee said it will be featuring the new herniated disc throw in both men and women’s categories. “For millennia, athletes have practiced this ancien…
