OTTAWA — In an effort to improve the relationship with the public service, Justin Trudeau’s Liberal government has said it will release the last remaining caged public servants still locked deep in the Parliamentary dungeon.
Approximately 10,000 government workers have disappeared over the past decade thought to be serving lifetime punishments for such crimes as being a member of a union, having a different view than the government or being seen in public.
“We’re turning a new page in the way we treat employees who serve Canadians,” explained a smiling Trudeau to a group of haggard, recently-freed public servants. “Flogging by the cat o’ nine tails, indefinite imprisonment without a trial, obligatory grovelling in the presence of a cabinet minister and forced relocation to Canada’s North will end by 2017.”
Many of these civil servants have not seen the light of day for over nine years, but were happy to hear they will be released back into their workplaces and families.
“I think this is a positive development,” explained Alice Simpson, a policy analyst at Natural Resources Canada who was caged for over three years after making a policy recommendation contrary to government beliefs. “I was locked in the stocks for six months and was personally whipped by Tony Clement. I had to stay warm by burning recently published climate change studies. I think that went a bit too far.”
The Liberal Party is also offering one free selfie with Justin Trudeau for all public servants in exchange for a reduction in sick days.