WINNIPEG – The City of Winnipeg is mulling over the possible removal of pedestrian barriers and an armed guard tower that opens fire on any jaywalkers trying to cross at Portage and Main. T…
Emergency officials: Is your home 72 hours booze prepared?
TORONTO – Emergency management officials are advising citizens to plan for booze-related disasters by having at least 72 hours worth of alcoholic beverages. “Being aware of the risks of not…
Yukoners generously sever toes to replace stolen one from Dawson City bar
DAWSON CITY, YT – In what many are describing as a grotesque act of kindness, hundreds of Yukoners have severed and donated their toes to replace the mummified digit that was stolen by a cu…
Man wins Facebook argument by being last to post in thread
AURORA, ON – A local man is declaring victory after being the last person to post in a heated debate on a news story post to Facebook. The debate began Saturday morning at 10:12 AM when Nia…
Unpatriotic man finds Tragically Hip just ‘all right’
NAPANEE, ON – Local man and traitor of Canada Rory Emery was overheard stating his rather unenthusiastic support for the nation’s band, The Tragically Hip. Emery, 31, made the seditious cla…
Wildrose Party to allow LGBTQ staffers to celebrate identity as sinners
EDMONTON – In response to party supporters criticizing a gay staffer for participating in an Edmonton Pride parade, the Wildrose Party has announced that staff will be allowed to celebrate …
Sears Canada renames itself ‘Bombardier’ so government will bail it out of bankruptcy
TORONTO – Sears Canada has renamed itself to ‘Bombardier, Department Store Division’ in an effort to receive billions from the government and stave off declaring bankruptcy. The new corpora…
Do you really have to stare while I do this?
By: A Dog Well, here we are again. You’ve got your small plastic bag and I’m looking for a the right spot, but could you do me one favour? Stop staring. It’s just a small ask, but your ogling is …
World leaders divided on attending state funeral for Hawaiian pizza inventor
LONDON, ON – World leaders are already divided on whether they will be attending the state funeral on Monday for the controversial Canadian man who invented the Hawaiian pizza. 44 countries…
Theresa May forms coalition with Northern Irish Unionists after agreeing to re-invade the rest of Ireland
LONDON – British Prime Minister Theresa May has secured a coalition government deal with the Democratic Unionist Party of Northern Ireland after promising to re-occupy the Irish Republic. D…
