OTTAWA – Health Canada and the Canadian Food Inspection Agency are changing their food safety regulations and guidelines on eating something that fell on the floor. “When it comes to consum…
More farmers using Ontario PC platform as fertilizer for its high quality bullshit
LISTOWEL, ON – Farmers across Ontario have already started using the provincial PC Party’s platform to fertilize their fields as the policies outlined are nutrient rich in bullshit. Allan O…
After Olympic ban, Russia to stick to cheating at the foreign election level
LAUSANNE, SUI – In the wake of the International Olympic Committee’s ban on Russian athletes at next year’s Winter Olympics for doping, The Russian Federation announced that it will return …
Innovative captains of industry discover cheaper, more efficient labour method called “employing women”
An excerpt from The Beaverton Presents Glorious and/or Free: The True History of Canada. Available where books are sold. March 30th, 1915 MONTREAL — While our brave boys are off fighting Fritz on…
Hello! Magazine airdrops 200,000 emergency copies to Yemeni refugees to spread word on Harry and Meghan’s engagement
ADDIS ABABA – Relief for desperate Yemeni refugees is on its way with over 200,000 copies of Hello! Magazine being airdropped containing much needed news on the engagement of Prince Harry a…
After Rogers cuts support, Viceland TV to move back in with parents
TORONTO – After hearing reports that Rogers Communications is considering pulling out of its financial backing of Viceland TV, the young-adult channel announced that it would be returning t…
Online university hosts online homecoming for alumni
THE INTERNET – Reflecting on the fond times they had together on various course modules, the 2007 Management Foundations class from Athabasca University celebrated 10 years since receiving …
Last Canadian journalist replaced with Advertorial Bot 5000 (Brought to You by Automaton Communication Technologies)
An excerpt from The Beaverton Presents Glorious and/or Free: The True History of Canada. Available where books are sold. The Beaverton Presents Glorious and/or Free: The True History of Ca…
Breaking: Rest of country’s night made worse due to winning team being from Toronto
OTTAWA – The rest of the country’s evening has been made worse after a sports championship was won by a team from Toronto. Upon hearing that the Toronto Argonauts defeated the Calgary Stamp…
Peter Kent calls for moment of silence to commemorate thousands of Canadians killed by marijuana overdoses
OTTAWA – Conservative MP Peter Kent called for the House of Commons to offer a moment of silence for the thousands of Canadians who die in marijuana overdoses each year. The Thornhill MP wh…
