TORONTO – After hearing reports that Rogers Communications is considering pulling out of its financial backing of Viceland TV, the young-adult channel announced that it would be returning to live with their parents.
“Corporate shills,” scoffed the mustachioed 32-year-old spokesperson sporting a plaid shirt and a full sleeve tattoo. “We offered a variety of programs involving everything from the subcultures of cannabis consumption to more political shows about marijuana legalization. What was Rogers thinking?”
The split between Rogers and Vice was reportedly over Viceland TV’s use of the Rogers credit card to purchase shows about vinyl records, expensive food, and ironic t-shirts causing a pre-tax loss of $2.49 million.
“And we used the word ‘fuck’ so many times to be edgy and different,” added the spokesperson. “How many fucking ‘fucks’ do you have to fucking use before fucking people give a fuck?”
In yet another cutback to journalism in Canada, Canadians may no longer have access to such groundbreaking Vice stories as “I tried to eat thrown out food for a week,” “Meet the guy with the world’s largest collection of Soviet bus stop photos,” and “What we’ve learned from giving dolphins LSD.”
Viceland’s parents say this is just the reality of the situation for many millennials who are trying to create content that no one other than their friends would watch.
“This is just a little speed bump on the road of life,” said Viceland TV’s mom, Linda. “They can live in the basement until they can find a new parent company, while I can put on a bright smile and hide my shame.”
Viceland TV says that it may take a few months off, which may involve a trip to Asia, teaching English abroad, or making a documentary about their three-day experience as a tree planter in northern Alberta.