SULLIVAN, MAINE – U.S. Senate candidate Graham Platner has announced that he is suspending his campaign after running out of glaring warning signs that he is unfit for public office.
“In the light of these latest shameful revelations, I am ending my campaign, as I am not sure that I can come up with any new shocking deal-breakers to warn Maine voters from trusting me,” explained Platner in a hastily-filmed front facing video, as he responded to recent allegations of sexual assault, rape, and getting a totenkopf tattoo and then justifying it by explaining that he was too dumb to understand what it meant.
“Considering that I’m a trust fund kid and my entire blue collar persona was an act, you should understand that this has all become much harder than I’m accustomed to working,” added Platner.
The former democratic populist went on to explain that the gruelling schedule of doling out various skeletons in his closet, each one more disqualifying than the last, has taken a toll. “I’m not even sure that I can find the energy to sexually harass women who aren’t my wife,” Platner noted.
Platner added to the video that, while he should clearly never be allowed anywhere near public office, that he is nonetheless the victim of a shadowy plot. “I won’t say who exactly is behind the conspiracy to reveal my various secret scandals, but if you refer to my aforementioned Nazi tattoo, then you can probably guess who I’m referring to.”
At press time President Donald Trump has endorsed Graham Platner in a Republican primary for the Maine senate seat.
