CORTINA, ITALY — Following the news that the 2026 Milano Cortina Winter Olympics had run out of condoms, the International Olympic Committee was forced to call off the doubles luge event.
“Today is a sad and unsexy day at the Cortina Sliding Centre,” said Einars Fogelis, the Director of the International Luge Federation (DILF for short). “But without the proper protection for our athletes, we understand the IOC’s decision to cancel the horniest Olympic sport.”
Fogelis explained that safety is of the utmost importance in doubles luge, in which one person lying on top of another person goes hurtling down a track made of solid ice at 140 kilometres per hour.
While some have suggested the skin-tight bodysuit all lugers wear is really just one giant condom, sex ed teachers across the world are begging them to understand that no it isn’t.
Indeed, the DILF wants fans to realize that safe luging is no joke.
“Before they changed it to hockey, Heated Rivalry was about doubles luge,” Fogelis said. “But then they realized they literally couldn’t make a show any hornier than the actual Olympic event.”
“Seriously, have you seen our sport? Condoms are just as essential as ice.”
Olympic organizers report that women’s doubles luge, a new event at this year, will be unaffected as no one has touched Milano Cortina’s supply of dental dams. As for the men, an appeal has been made to the IOC to try doubles skeleton “just this once.”
At press time, the IOC has rolled its eyes but not yet issued a response.
