CALGARY – Once again, the murderous work of the serial killer known as the Marlborough Mauler has been interrupted by his 4-year-old house cat, Ruffles.
“Aw, jeez, Ruffles, not there,” the Mauler said, as he attempted to gut and dismember his latest victim so he could leave the body parts around town in a taunting message to law enforcement. “Daddy’s trying to make an incision.”
Ruffles, who the Mauler adopted earlier this year, is an affectionate cat prone to following its owner around the house in search of attention.
“As a single professional with a physically demanding hobby, it’s nice to come home after a long day to Ruffles’ unconditional love,” the Mauler said. “But whenever I bring a fresh corpse with me he just has to sniff every inch.”
The Mauler then removed Ruffles from his dissection table only for the cat to jump right back up onto the still-warm corpse, a process that repeated half a dozen times before the cat finally left to cause trouble elsewhere.
“Oh, Ruffles, don’t scratch that! Play with the toys I got you,” the Mauler said, as Ruffles walked right past a scratching post to claw at a large intestine hanging from the ceiling.
The Mauler, who has terrorised the city with a string of brutal murders over the last few months, is thinking about adopting a second cat to keep Ruffles company.
“Sometimes I’m out late writing cryptic messages in blood on railcars, so I’m worried Ruffles doesn’t get enough stimulation,” the Mauler said, as he tried to keep his cat from licking up a puddle of spilled blood. “Maybe if Ruffles has a friend he’ll get all tuckered out playing with them.”
“And will you look at this? I just killed this guy a couple of hours ago and he’s already covered in cat hair.”
At press time, the Mauler was shrieking in disgust after Ruffles brought his owner a dead mouse.
