WASHINGTON, D.C. – After journalists revealed that President Trump wrote a birthday message to notorious sex offender Jeffrey Epstein reading, “I sure enjoyed the sex crimes you did, fellow sex crime enjoyer,” analysts argued that the shocking news would be a blow to Democrats.
“Trump denied this message exists, and now that it’s been proven otherwise I just don’t see how the Democrats recover,” said a Politico writer. “They expect voters to have object permanence now? Get off your high horse.”
“Americans don’t like it when the government butts into our personal lives,” a Washington Post columnist wrote. “If we make it a crime just to be at a pedophile’s birthday, tell him what a great pedophile he is, and hint that you joined him in his pedophilia, then you could be in trouble next.”
Democratic leaders have already rushed to avoid capitalising on the report, saying that now is not the time to definitively link an unpopular President with one of the country’s most notorious criminals.
“Does the average American really care that the President wrote ‘Dear Jeff, you’re my favourite rapist in the whole wild world?’” said an 87-year-old Democratic senator. “We need to focus on milquetoast acquiescence to kitchen table issues.”
“I don’t think Americans are looking for us to be ‘woke’ on pedophilia,” said a 93-year-old representative who is running for re-election next year. “When it comes to Trump being friends with a chronic sexual abuser, we need to offer a moderate path.”
“Donald Trump is president?” added a 107-year-old senator. “Well, I’ll be.”
The Democrats that are attempting to hit Trump on the issue, meanwhile, are facing significant pushback.
“America’s elitist liberals think they’re smarter than you, but they don’t even know the difference between pedophilia and ephebophilia,” a Fox News report said. “Another embarrassment for the Democrats.”
At press time, Trump announced an accelerated plan to gut public services, loot the nation’s coffers, and crush all of his foes with an iron fist, a statement that is expected to hurt Democrats.
