NORTH VANCOUVER — A&W Canada announced their new Complicated Family Menu today, featuring old favourites like the Mama Burger and Papa Burger, plus an assortment of more modern offerings, including the Step-Mom Burger, Secret Cousin Burger, and others.
The chain says the new menu celebrates the complexities of today’s royally messed up families.
Company spokesperson Maria Popescu said, “When A&W introduced The Burger Family in 1961, it was a different world. Mama Burger couldn’t legally serve on a jury, and Teen Burger was more worried about doing Math than meth.” Popescu said it’s time the Burger Family got with the times. “I’m not going to sugar-coat it. It’s going to get weird. But our new menu will be a more honest reflection of our customers’ deeply cringeworthy personal lives.”
The roll-out starts with the Step-Mom Burger, described as “more fun that a regular mom, less fun that a big sister. Sriracha mayo provides the perfect blend of spice and meh.” It will soon be joined by the Ex-Mother-in-Law Burger, served in a lettuce wrap instead of a bun, so it’s as awkward to eat as it is to run into her at the drug store.
A&W execs remained tight-lipped about the Secret Cousin Burger, a kid’s meal which marketing director Marcus Leung said will be quickly handed to customers, wrapped in an old SportChek bag. It will include a fruit smoothie, a list of which family members do and don’t know about the cousin, and three toys to try and compensate.
The company plans to roll out more burgers over the coming year, including the Convoy Uncle Burger, Work-Friend-With-Benefits Burger, Ex-Sister-in-Law Who’s Way Into MLMs Burger, Cousin You Have Impure Thoughts About Burger, Half-Brother in Another Province Burger, Metis Great-Great-Great Grandma Burger, Sister Who’s Actually Your Mom Burger, Old Guy You’re Not Even Sure How You’re Related To Burger, and the Polycule Sliders Trio.
But what’s missing from the new menu may surprise A&W fans more than what’s on it, as the company announced it was killing off the Grandpa Burger. According to Leung, “A triple meat patty is fun, but let’s get real. Grandpa was lucky he made it past 60.”
Leung said the move makes room for what he predicts will be the break-out star of the new menu, Roger, Grandma’s ‘Special Friend’ at the Nursing Home Burger.
