Grocers eager to stabilize prices at 500% of pre-pandemic values - The Beaverton

Grocers eager to stabilize prices at 500% of pre-pandemic values

OTTAWA, ON― Representatives for Loblaw, Metro, and Empire have responded with enthusiasm to Justin Trudeau’s recent ultimatum requiring them to curb inflation, which is now running at 4%.

“We want to reiterate that this is in no way our fault, and that the blame should go to everyone on the supply chain but us,” explained Metro CEO Eric La Flèche. “However, I’m such a good, empathetic guy, that I am willing to reduce my own definitely-not-record-high profit margins in order to end this suffering.”

“Just remember that these things take time, and we’re only just getting started halfway through September,” added Loblaw CEO Per Bank. “So in a month or two when they release this month’s numbers, it’s possible that the inflation rate could jump a teensy bit, to, say, four, five hundred percent. But then it’ll go down to below one, which is nice and stable, right?”

While grocers haven’t settled on exactly how long they would hold the inflation rate that low, they estimate it could be as many as four whole months.

The news was met with excitement across the country, especially amongst Canadians who don’t understand the difference between deflation and disinflation and can’t wait to see prices “go back down.”

The optimism being expressed by the public, however, pales in comparison to that of Justin Trudeau, who currently can only dream of seeing his poll numbers go the way of food prices.