“Everything is broken so lets make it worse” by Pierre Poilievre
It is a fact: our beloved Canada is irreparably broken.
Justin Trudeau, our so-called “Prime Minister”, has irreparably debased this once proud nation, leaving Canada an apocalyptic wasteland where average citizens must literally fight their way through hordes of cannibalistic nitro marauders just to make it to a Loblaws where they’re forced to hand over their first born in exchange for a single loaf of bread.
This litany of completely real daily horrors are why I am asking Candians to vote for me in the next Federal election, so that I can implement solutions that make everything exponentially worse.
I pledge that I will take this nation, which I assure you has been damaged well beyond the point of no return, and make everything exponentially more awful. I will do this through a combination of laughably vague policy, and my trademark lack of fundamental financial acumen. Having spent my entire adult career serving in government as a partisan attack dog, I assure you that every policy proposal I have is entirely theoretical, and exceptionally bad.
Instead of cracking down on greedy housing speculators and grocery monopolies, I will give every one of them congratulatory high fives. I will protect free speech from wokeness by replacing all university courses with YouTube radicalization videos. I will do away with hard currency and move Canada entirely to “cryptoloonies”. I will merge Rogers, Shaw, Bell, and for some reason, Tim Hortons. I will appoint Jordan Peterson as Canada’s Governor General. Or Chief Public Health Officer. Or both, if he tells me to.
Finally, once I have taken every problem facing Canada and made it ten times worse, I will spend the rest of my days in office blaming previous and future Liberal governments for our nation’s decline.
Justin Trudeau has devastated this once-great nation. Vote for me to finish the job.
“Everything is perfect so let’s fix nothing” by Justin Trudeau
It is a fact: things in Canada have never, ever, ever been better.
My opponents like to talk about things like “inflation” and “skyrocketing housing prices”, but I’ll be honest… I don’t see it. Every day I wake up in a Canada full of sunny ways, smiling faces, and happy families. A Canada where my delicious and nutritious lunch is served to me by helpful aides, and I am guarded 24-7 by a phalanx of highly-trained RCMP officers. The quality of life in Canada is off the charts!
My critics, whose names I should probably learn at some point, say that food is too expensive. Well I can’t remember the last time I paid too much for food, or paid for food at all! Ditto for complaints about wait times at airports, which if I can be negative for just one second is kind of their own fault for not just having your motorcade bring you right out onto the tarmac to your government-provided private jet.
Sometimes solutions are just obvious. Though I’m still saying that everything is perfect, thus the idea of solutions is moot.
As long as I have lived in Canada, top-notch housing has been provided to me at no cost by the Federal Government, and I presume for all of you as well. How can there be a housing crisis when anyone can grow up in a historic Sussex Ave mansion, and then get to live in that same mansion again when they are an adult? On top of that, my various ministers and advisors insist that housing is not prohibitively expensive, and is in fact an amazing investment that I could make huge profit margins on!
CA! NA! DA! CA! NA! DA!
You know what they say – if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Well, Canada is the ain’test broke’est country in the world, so I say we just leave everything exactly the way it is and maybe kick a few cool government contracts to McKinsey Consulting and also SNC Lavalin.
Besides, who the hell else are you gonna vote for?