OTTAWA – According to sources in 24 Sussex Drive, Justin Trudeau was taken aback after learning that Rishi Sunak, the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, has called a July election despite somehow being even less popular than he is.
“Isn’t he polling terribly? The British Conservatives will get creamed, why would he call an—oh, shit he has to?” Trudeau was overheard saying. “That poor bastard.”
Trudeau then blanched after an aide told him he would also have to call an election soon. Sources report hearing “I have to win a fourth one? Are you fucking kidding me?” before he began asking his cabinet ministers if it was possible to completely revitalise Canada’s healthcare, housing, and immigration systems within the next 12 months.
“I swear I was going to get around to making rent more affordable, but then Gilmore Girls hit Netflix and, well, time makes fools of us all,” Trudeau told Minister of Housing, Infrastructure and Communities Sean Fraser. “Anyway, shouldn’t you have been taking care of that, Sean?”
A desperate Trudeau then began brainstorming potential 2025 campaign slogans, including “Remember when I legalised weed? That was nice,” “I’ve frowned while thinking about climate change a lot, you guys,” and “Look, think what you want of me, but Pierre Poilievre is just weird.”
After recovering from the shock of learning that he would need to defend his track record, sources report that the Prime Minister began studying the British electoral system.
“Aw, England also has a wishy-washy third party that uses orange, and a separatist party for those people who are always whining about sovereignty in another language,” Trudeau said. “They’re just like us!”
Trudeau was then heard marvelling at how Sunak tanked his personal popularity in just two years while he needed almost a full decade, making him optimistic about hanging on for one more ride where he can disappoint the last of his loyalists.
At press time, Trudeau was seen Googling “British Prime Ministers who returned to office after suffering crushing electoral defeats.”
