TORONTO – For years Connor McDavid has been seen as the fastest force in hockey but now insiders are wondering whether he has been bested by a new competitor: the sponsors getting away from Hockey Canada as quickly as possible.
“Connor McDavid can go from north to south like nobody I’ve ever seen,” said analyst Frank Seravalli. “But the speed at which Tim Hortons, Canadian Tire et al. are finally moving to sever ties with Hockey Canada now that they are completely toxic to the public is off the charts.”
“Unless Connor can enter the zone at the same rate these corporations are putting out press releases ‘expressing their disappointment’ and ‘advocating for change’ I think he might be in trouble.”
McDavid is of course known for more than just his speed. His ability to dangle through multiple defenders at once is the stuff of legend. Although the sponsors ability to finesse their way through questions about why they’re only acting now when allegations against Hockey Canada have been public for months may soon challenge him in this area too.
“In a pinch I’d probably still go with McDavid for pure speed,” said TSN analyst Gino Reda. “Although I have to say these corporations’ ability to shoot their shot at being seen as the good guys in this mess might be even better than Auston Matthews’.”
At press time a new challenger had emerged that was even faster than McDavid or the sponsors: the speed at which NHL players would run away from reporters asking for comment on the Hockey Canada situation.