Stratford, ON – Local man Eric Morgenstern will once again be spending his summer thinking of reasons why he can’t join friends on their upcoming camping trips.
“Life would be so much easier if I could just admit that I don’t want to poo outside and wage futile war against the mosquito population for seven days,” said Morgenstern as he scrolled through a website article entitled ’50 original excuses to get out of anything!
“But I feel like if I said that they’d take away my Canadian card or something, so guess I’ll need to say yes and then claim my basement flooded the night before.”
Over the past few years Morgenstern has claimed his grandparents just died 14 times, alleged he had already agreed to go on a different camping trip with some other friends he’d never mentioned to the first group of friends, swore he had to take care of his girlfriend’s sick parrot, said his girlfriend’s parrot just died 3 times, and faked contracting the Ebola virus at least twice.
“Next year I’ll be there! Save me a spot by the campfire that always blows smoke directly into my eyes bro!” said Morgenstern to his buddy Chris as he checked the doors were locked and turned off all the lights in his house so as not to ruin the illusion that he was currently volunteering with the Ukrainian foreign legion.
Morgenstern is far from alone. Every year thousands of Canadians are reduced to tell bald-faced lies to their friends about their desire to carry a canoe over their heads, who then pretend to believe them.
“Oh yeah I know Eric is lying,” said Chris as he set up his tent. “But the only thing I love about camping more than the nature is forcing my friends to hear me and my wife have sex in the tent next to them, so I’m going to keep trying!”