OTTAWA – In light of the severe humiliation Canada is experiencing on the world stage due to the country’s inability to handle the anti-vaccine protesters, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is invoking the little known and never used Embarrassing Emergencies Act.
“In times of extreme embarrassment, the federal government is allowed to grant itself extraordinary powers to deal with mortifying threats to Canada’s reputation,” Trudeau explained in a press conference to announce his invocation of the EEA. “The embarrassment must be both urgent and critical, which I think we can all agree this is. Canada is unable to maintain order at its own border crossings or in our capital. It is extremely embarrassing.”
The EEA was created in 1988 to cope with “situations that seriously endanger the ability of Canadians to feel superior about their country and are of such shameful proportions or nature as to exceed the capacity or authority of a province to deal with it.” The Act has never been invoked before, though its use was briefly considered when the Great Maple Syrup Heist of 2012 showed the world that Canada cannot protect its most precious resource – maple syrup – and again during the Cringe-Crisis of 2018, when photos of Justin Trudeau in full Indian regalia were widely shared and mocked.
“This is a measure of last resort,” Trudeau continued. “Only to be used in the most humiliating emergencies, emergencies which cut to the core of Canadian identity by endangering our smugness.”
“This current emergency isn’t like COVID, where Canada’s death rate per million was only embarrassing when compared to countries like China or New Zealand or any of the other hundred countries with lower death rates than Canada. Our response was positively unshameful when compared to the United States, and that’s what matters when it comes to image-based emergencies. Right now Canada is the only country with a three-week-long occupation of its capital by anti-government forces. This level of lonesome embarrassment cannot be allowed to continue.”
Under the Embarrassing Emergencies Act, the federal government will now have the ability to seize any and all Canadian flags being used in the furtherance of fascism, will have the ability to force police officers to stop taking selfies with convoy participants, and will have the right to drain the air from all bouncy houses and the water from all jacuzzis currently within the city limits of Ottawa.
The Act also allows the government to mitigate the embarrassment of blockades at Canada’s border crossings by officially moving the border inward by up to a kilometre so the blockades are now on American soil and are no longer Canada’s problem.
Canadians are being asked to do their part during this embarrassing emergency and to refrain from adding to the nation’s embarrassment by proposing marriage in dramatic fashion when they aren’t positive the answer will be yes, participating in talent shows despite having no talent, or starring in CBC ‘comedies’ that aren’t funny.