TORONTO – The announcement that schools closed due to snow would still require students to attend via remote learning has thrown Ontario’s vital ’12 year olds ringing the doorbell and offering to shovel your driveway for 10 bucks’ industry into free fall.
“The province clearly made a huge mistake pivoting to virtual school instead of just canceling class,” said economist Martin “10% of our province’s 1st quarter GDP is generated by the commerce of pre-teenage boys shovelling snow for people too old or lazy to do it themselves.”
“Think of the ripple effects of these boys not making a crisp 60 dollars in an afternoon of shovelling. Convenience stores will now sell way less pop and bags of chips. Video game purchases will plunge. And we won’t see anywhere near the same level of pizza orders as we would ordinarily see the week after a snow storm.”
A representative for the Ford government said the adolescent snow shovelling industry was considered, but ultimately the need to teach students english, history and math was too great.
“Maybe if they studied their percentages correctly, they’d learn that they’re getting ripped off, and they could easily be charging 15 or 20 bucks a driveway,” said education Minister Stephen Lecce.
Of course, pivoting to virtual school won’t only impact the snow shovelling economy. Industry insiders predict a 25% decrease in band-aid sales caused by snowball fights getting out of hand.