TORONTO — A landmark study conducted by researchers at the University of Toronto has revealed that your parents’ most cherished activity is telling you about horrifying health scares months after they occurred.
“It was something that we’ve suspected for a long time but now have definitive proof of,” explained lead researcher and behavioural scientist Rebecca Dillon, watching a mother casually tell her son that she had thought she had cancer six months ago but actually didn’t, from behind a two-way mirror. “There is nothing more exciting to your parents than just completely dropping a horrifying medical bomb into a random conversation and watching your reaction. They can’t get enough of it.”
“For a while we thought that it was because they didn’t want to worry their kids, or burden them with their personal issues, but now we know that it’s literally just for shits and giggles.”
Local father Tom Mulligan agreed, emphasizing that he liked to bring up a scare at least once every six months to keep his life exciting.
“Yesterday I told my son that I passed out in a Sobeys last Christmas,” he stated, a smile spreading over his face. “And not only did I tell him that, but I made a tactical offhand remark about our family having a history of brain aneurysms. Watching him put two and two together was the most fun I’ve had since that World War II documentary I saw last week.”
“There’s definitely an art to it,” explained mother of three Barbara Putnam, moments after leaving her children shell shocked with the news that she had broken her leg six months ago and said nothing about it. “You have to calculate the severity of the scare with the length of time it takes you to bring it up with the odds of it ever happening again. It’s simple math, really.”
“If you’re too hasty, they’ll think they can fix it. If the injury is too scary, they’ll threaten to move back home, and no one wants that. Bonus points if you mention the scare in a place where they can’t react appropriately, like a funeral, or church.”
At press time, your parents were calculating just when to tell you about the time that they barely escaped with their lives from a car accident this Thanksgiving.