QUEEN’S PARK – As Ontario hospitals find themselves ill-equipped and under-staffed to treat skyrocketing COVID numbers, Premier Doug Ford announced a new line of self-serve hospital beds to clear the bottleneck.
“Right now beds are VERY scarce and nurses are VERY quitting, so we thought this could be an innovative only solution to that,” said Ford in Thursday’s press conference. “They look like regular hospital beds, but they do anything a nurse or doctor can do! They administer fluids – that’s the spray cannon over there – and they’ll issue comforting statements and call you ‘hon’ when your vitals aren’t looking so hot.”
Reportedly, these self-serve hospital beds will also change your bed pan, analyze your urine samples, and find a good vein on your left arm by at least the 3rd or 4th jab. The beds do not allow patients to intubate themselves, but Ontario health officials confirmed if the patient loses consciousness they can simply hit the “Call for Help” button. One nurse will be stationed on each floor to assist patients with their self-serve bed’s more complicated features, like entering their approval code when a patient uses their bed to order painkillers.
“Though if you order anything too fun, the bed is programmed to snitch you out to the cops,” added Ford with a wink.
“Can’t remember which of us came up with the idea for the beds’ automated voice to sound so world-weary and exhausted,” said one representative of the design team, “but we all agree it really sells the illusion that you’re getting health care.”
Ford’s team has instructed Ontarians to simply enter the hospital of their choice, roam around until they see a free self-serve bed, and claim that bed by swiping their PC Optimum card. His representative forgot to specify that no hospitals are outfitted with the beds yet, leading to a sudden surge in hospital squatters.
“To resolve the overflow of patients caused by the previous solution to the overflow of patients, we will be introducing a budget version of the self-serve beds. It’ll look a lot like hammocks hung on the trees outside the hospital,” Ford stated.
Currently the beds are not equipped to administer COVID tests, which Chief Medical Officer Dr. Kieran Moore claims is solely due to the test shortage. “To make up for this, we did install a mini Pepsi fridge in each bed,” he added. “Doug tried to get Coke, but they wouldn’t return his calls.”
When reached for follow-up comments, Ford stated he would consider expanding – and privatizing – the line of self-serve hospital services: “we have begun beta testing a self-serve childbirth experience, with parents only paying the hospital a corkage fee.”